


Look Both Ways (Before You Cross My Mind)

by bigspicysenpai



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreamscapes, Internalized Homophobia, Jack Zimmermann's Overdose, M/M, Sensory Overload, animal injury (implied), canon-typical drug abuse, soulmate dreams, vomiting(implied)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-12-18 17:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18254288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigspicysenpai/pseuds/bigspicysenpai
Summary: A Zimbits Soulmate AU where you dream about an animal that is representative of your soulmate's experiences and emotions. Somewhat a retelling of canon with many liberties taken about things that happen before Samwell.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was vaguely inspired by Denois and Kirani's soulcats, and by the album Isolation by Kali Uchis. The title comes from the song "After the Storm" by Kali Uchis. 
> 
> Beta'd and workshopped yet again with Kirani and GI Jojo. 
> 
> This first chapter details the dreams that they have before Samwell. Triggering topics include: Bitty's bullying experience, Jack's OD and a minor look at Pimms. Also how the dreamworld deals with all of these experiences. The only truly graphic description so far is Bitty experiencing sensory overload during Jack's OD, Bitty gets sick in the real world as a result, but this description is not graphic. The implied animal injury happens in the dreamworld during Bitty's night in the storage closet and is handled 90% offscreen. Please do not hesitate to let me know of any tags I may have missed. 
> 
> _X_ indicates scene change  
> ~~ indicates dreamscape
> 
> Happy reading!

_ Montréal, QC, CA. August 14, 2000. _

 

Jack was ten years old when he had his first soulmate dream. 

 

~~

A sunny glade ringed by trees. A lone rabbit basked in a patch of flowers near the center of the field. Warm. Safe. Relaxed. Jack tried to move closer, but it seemed he wasn’t in control. He felt himself being pulled away from the clearing, Jack couldn’t even reach down to hang onto anything. 

~~

 

Jack awoke with a start as his mother cracked his door open; He sat up on an arm and she stepped in. 

 

“Rise and shine Jack! We have to get going soon.”

 

“Okay.” He tried groggily to recall details from the dream, head cloudy with the dregs of sleep. Squeezing his eyes back shut, he tried futilely to re-enter the meadow. 

 

 _“_ Mon cher, are you feeling alright?” Her weight shifted the mattress; she pressed the back of her hand to his forehead.

 

“L-lapin _ , _ ” he said in lieu of a response. 

 

“Aw, honey, did you finally have your first dream?” Jack nodded, then let his eyes fall open. 

 

“I want to see him again.”  _ How do I know the rabbit is a boy?  _

 

“You will Jack, maybe tonight, if you’re lucky.” She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and gave him a light shake. “A rabbit, huh? Your soulmate sounds so cute, not at all like your grizzled bear of a father.” She laughed lightly and wrapped Jack into a hug. “It’s nice to know there’s someone out there just for you, isn’t it?” 

 

“Yeah.”  _ She didn’t say anything about him being a boy.  _ She ruffled his hair and stood again. 

 

“We can get you a stuffed one later if you want. You wouldn’t believe how many bears I’ve had over the years.” 

 

“I don’t need one.” 

 

“Jack, even your father had–”

 

“I’m fine maman _. _ ”

 

“Alright, I won’t push you if you don’t want it. Be ready to go in about an hour ok? We’re meeting your papa and uncle Mario at the airport.”

 

“Okay, maman _. _ ” 

 

Jack rolled out of bed and rubbed his eyes. He surveyed his room.  _ Stuffed animals don’t have a practical use. _ A stuffed rabbit would look out of place among all the hockey posters and trophies anyway.

 

_X_

 

_ Watkinsville, GA USA. August 15, 2000.  _

 

“Moomaw says soulmates are forever, an’ an’ God gives you little hints to find the way,” Eric declared proudly, jumping and landing with a twirl in front of his cousin’s swing set.

“Sure, Dicky,” Clara replied. 

 

“Yer not excited? One person to share your whole life with! Ain’t it romantic Clara?” Clara twisted side to side in the swing, then looked right at him. 

 

“You may wanna cool it with all that soulmate talk when you start kindergarten next week Dicky.” 

“And why’s that? How is everyone not talkin’ ‘bout soulmates all the time? It’s a beautiful world we’re livin’ in.” Eric let himself fall back and flop onto the mulch. Clara walked up to stand over him. 

 

“Cuz, Dicky, s’weird for a boy to be talkin’ about love an’ stuff. Us girls can do it, cuz that’s normal.”  _ Normal? _

 

“Are you jealous Clarie? You haven’t had yours yet have ya?” 

 

“I haven’t, but that’s not what I’m sayin’.” 

 

“Well I had mine just yesterday, and I’m so ready! I wanna tell the world!” Eric started to wave his arms and legs to make an angel in the mulch. 

 

“Eric–” 

 

“I saw a big blue river Clarie! It was so wide! And my soulmate, he was small, but–”

 

“He?” 

 

“Yeah Clarie, he was a small little critter, an’ he knocked down a whole tree! Then he carried it to the river all by himself!” Eric rolled onto his chest, pieces of mulch tumbled off of his clothes. He pushed himself up, “He’s so strong! Ain’t it amazin’ Clarie!” He brushed himself off and looked up at his cousin. “Ain’t it?”

 

“Dicky,” Clara said, brushing more mulch from his back, “I know you’re only little, but you can’t go tellin’ people you think your soulmate’s a boy.” Eric inclined his head.  _ I just know he is, I know what I felt.  _

 

“Why does it matter Clara?” Eric huffed. 

 

“It just does, okay? You gotta listen to me, alright Dicky? I know cuz I’m eight and you’re five. If you tell ‘em your soulmate’s a boy, they’ll think there’s somethin’ wrong with you.” Clara put her hand on his shoulder, “Let’s go back in and see if my mama an’ Moomaw made lemonade an’ cookies ok?” 

 

“Okay, my soulmate’s between you an’ me an’ Moomaw!” The pair sprinted back towards the house. Eric knew he didn’t want people to think he was weird. He just had to show everyone how kind he was, because his mama raised a good boy. He wanted to be good, but still, he wondered what he did wrong.

 

 

_X_

_ Val d’Or, QC, CA. November 17 2006.  _

 

~~

The forest was still, the moon like a spotlight over the dew-dropped grass. Jack’s  _ lapin _ was running and jumping and dancing across the meadow. A small crowd of forest animals had gathered to watch the performance. 

 

It was captivating. Jack looked on, enthralled, from the same place he always observed the glade. Despite being unable to move, he felt the cool night air on his skin. He felt the light breeze that was moving the blades of grass just enough to make the dew sparkle like fresh snow.  

 

_ Lapin _ finished with one tremendous leap. A flourish at center-stage. A splash. The dew rained back down as rainbow crystals in his wake. It was easily the most beautiful thing Jack had ever seen. He wished with all his heart he could applaud. He felt his soulmate’s joy radiating out. The birds in the audience began to cry out in chorus. 

 

_ Cheeeeeep cheeeeep beeeeep _

~~

 

_ Beeep beeep beeeep beeep  _

 

Jack cursed at his alarm for tearing him away from the forest. He switched it off and started getting ready for the day. The hotel’s shower was an even tighter squeeze than the one at his billet family’s house in Laval. Either that or he had hit another growth spurt. As the steam cleared, he closed his eyes and tried to picture  _ Lapin _ in his mind. The glade was the only place he felt anywhere close to happy. Aside from post victory high.  _ Today’s game is mine. _

 

Jack exhaled the breath he had been holding in. Looked at himself in the mirror.  _ Hair is getting long again. _ He debated for the millionth time on whether or not he should grow his flow out.

 

_ If it’s longer I’ll have to get up earlier to style it. Less time to dream. _ The thought quashed the debate for the day. He pulled a team shirt over his head, then rolled one of his curls between his fingers.  _ I want to see him again, but I have a game to win first. _ He slipped his new prescription out of his shower bag. They were supposed to cut the anxiety he had before games. Jack uncapped the bottle. Hopefully they would bring some of how he felt with  _ Lapin _ to the waking world. 

 

He scrawled today’s goal into the fog on the mirror before heading to team breakfast.

 

_ Sois Mieux.  _

 

Words to live by. 

 

_X_

 

_ Watkinsville, GA, USA. March 26 2008. _

 

~~

Eric found himself at the mountain river once again. He immediately registered the chill in the air. His soulmate, before him, chipping away at yet another massive tree. No matter how many his soulmate cut down, it seemed as if seven more sprung up in its place. 

 

His soulmate toiled on. Duty. Responsibility. Achievement. Eric saw the massive dam that his soulmate had been constructing on the river as long as Eric could remember. What would it look like when it is finished? It was already so tall. 

 

He felt his soulmate’s apprehension. Another tree thudded to the ground. The beaver seemed scared to take the next step. A weasel emerged from a hollow and stood beside the beaver. Its presence seemed to cheer the beaver in moving the log along. Together they walked the log to the bank and rolled it in. Eric felt the cool spray as the log broke the surface of the water. 

 

The log slotted perfectly into the dam, as all the others had before it. An aura of calm washed over the river. 

~~

 

Eric blinked awake and sighed. Sunlight filtered into his room from the gaps in the blinds. His soulmate dreams were starting to feel a bit monotonous. He genuinely still loved his soulmate and wanted to meet him, but there are only so many times one can watch a beaver cut down trees before it becomes dull. 

 

Eric was glad, at least, that his soulmate had others in his life right now helping him get by. The weasel was becoming a more constant presence in the dreams. The doe and bear still showed up from time to time, but usually they were at a distance. 

 

Eric was no somnologist, but it was easy to assume this meant his soulmate was feeling distant from his parents. Eric hoped for his soulmate’s (and his) sake that he accomplished whatever massive task he was working on soon. At least the monotony of his dreams made it easier to not talk about it all the time. 

 

Eric had still kept his promise to Clara. He hadn’t explicitly told anyone his soulmate was a boy. Though he was aware that his feminine interests and small stature were beginning to make him a target for bullying anyway. Figure skating and baking just weren’t traditional Georgia boy activities. 

 

Eric knew that he wasn’t invisible. He still had flashbacks to his introduction in kindergarten.  _ I’m Dicky an’ my favorite color is rainbow cuz I love all of them!  _ Eric expected he would remember that moment on his deathbed. How embarrassing.

 

Still, it wasn’t all bad. His soulmate had been an inspiration for him to train harder. If his soulmate was strong enough to fell an entire forest by himself, Eric could certainly qualify for regionals this year. The short program to the instrumental version of “Irreplaceable” Katya had helped him coreograph was amazing. He just had to work on his triple toe loop. If he could stick triples. Landing triples was the only thing standing between Eric and regional gold. 

 

“Dicky! Time for breakfast!” his mom called from downstairs.

 

“Comin’ mama!” Eric slid out of bed, and pulled the sheets back over it. He took care to arrange Señor Bun and Mademoiselle (Monsieur) Cass next to each other on top. Then he headed downstairs in his pajamas to see what his mama was cooking today. 

 

_X_

 

_ Drummondville, QC, CA. May 11 2009. _

 

~~

It was dark. The moon hung low in the sky, the pale crescent barely illuminating anything before him. The brush had grown up around the glade; Jack could only see the tiniest bit of the meadow within. Jack wondered what sort of performance  _ Lapin _ would put on tonight. 

 

He felt something coarsely furred brush past his arm in the darkness. The air pressure plummeted and fog began to roll in. Some unknown beast howled mere meters away from Jack. Jack’s blood turned to ice. 

 

The air was inundated with fear. More howling. Another creature he couldn’t see stalked past him into the field. Jack wanted to wake up. He wanted to be anywhere but here, but  _ Lapin  _ seemed to be in real danger. He wished he could help. Wished he could see what was happening, though at the same time he was glad these horrors were obscured. 

 

Another beast brushed past him, growling. A chill ran down Jack’s spine. One of the beasts entered the clearing. It howled as a signal, the others emerged behind it. Brutish forms concealed as the fog seemed to thicken around them. 

 

Growls. A flash of teeth.  _ Lapin  _ cried out in the night. Jack wanted to save him, call back, anything. The glade fell silent.

 

_ -Alone. _ Jack scanned the field for signs of  _ Lapin.  _

 

_ -Alone. _ The fog lifted. 

 

_ -Alone. _ Jack spotted him, tucked under a briar.  _ Lapin  _ was shaking. The beasts seemed to have gone, yet  _ Lapin  _ was left, stuck in a bed of thorns. 

~~

 

Jack woke with a gasp. A teardrop rolled off his cheek. 

 

“Zimms? Wuh time izzit?” Jack glanced at the room’s alarm clock. 

 

“It’s only four Kenny, go back to sleep.” he responded shakily.

 

“You good, man?” 

 

“Uh, just hot. Getting water.” He extracted himself from the bed. Jack made his way to the hotel bathroom and shut the door. His eyes were red and puffy from crying. Tracks of his tears marred his cheeks. He wiped his face off with a damp towel, in hopes that it would reduce the swelling. 

 

He had a tournament to win. The memorial cup final was only a day away. He needed every ounce of rest he could get. Jack took out two of his anxiety pills, swallowed them with a gulp of water. He hoped  _ Lapin  _ was okay. 

 

This last dream had debunked any final illusions Jack had about Kenny being his soulmate. His soulmate was graceful, soft, and vulnerable. Kenny was grit and hard edge. He was graceful playing hockey, but it wasn’t similar to the way  _ Lapin’s _ performances felt. 

 

His stomach lurched as he recalled details from the dream. Another tear pricked the corner of his eye. Jack downed a second glass of water. They say you can feel it, if your soulmate passes before you meet. Jack prayed that didn’t happen today. His eyes wet, looking back at him in the mirror. He needed to sleep. 

 

Kenny had rolled over in the bed, facing the wall. Jack decided to take the other bed in the room. His heart twinged with guilt over whatever he had been doing with Kenny. He knew it was normal to date outside your soul pair or even to never meet ‘the one’, but Jack felt like going back to Kenny right now would be betraying his soulmate in his darkest hour. 

 

Jack squeezed his eyes shut. He hoped he could fall asleep again. He hoped his meds would keep him from dreaming again. He begged the universe to let  _ Lapin  _ be alright.

 

_ Please be safe. I need you to be safe. I want to be able to meet you.  _

 

_X_

 

_ Watkinsville, GA, USA. June 24 2009 _

 

~~

The trees looked down at Eric from all sides. The forest was silent, save for the wind. It wasn’t quite night, but not quite day either. Eric couldn’t see the sun, but he saw the river through the trees.

 

The beaver was nowhere to be seen. Eric gasped when he noticed the dam. The logs were stacked impossibly high; the dam had never been this tall before. It had always seemed incomplete. But this... Eric could scarcely see the top. 

 

Wind gusted through the woods; the tower swayed in response. Eric looked up at the teetering structure. The beaver was nowhere to be seen. 

 

Suddenly, there was a chill in the air. Eric’s vision blacked out. He could still feel the cold on his skin and he could still hear the water. Eric’s body was rocked by a sudden tremor. He could see again. 

 

_ — Ce n’est pas correct. _

 

Everything was just slightly off kilter, as if someone had hung a painting not quite level. Eric’s vision was out of focus. The pines curved towards the river, like some twisted wooden ribcage.

 

_ — Je n’aime pas cette sensation. _

 

Eric was caught off guard by a high pitched tone; something akin to microphone feedback. His head pounded against the stimuli. 

 

—  _ Est-ce que je vais mourir? _

 

Eric’s vision refocused. The sky was gray and clouded, the dam waving precariously in the wind. The ground beneath Eric pushed up, then shuddered back down. Eric’s feet wet as the river rose past the bank. 

 

—  _ Maman, Papa, Lapin… Je suis désolé. _

 

The earth rose and exhaled again, sinking below its original level. Eric’s perception flickered in and out, the whole dream world shook. A final gust toppled the mountain of logs. Water surging everywhere as the timbers hit the surface. Eric wanted to scream, yet all he could do was watch all of his soulmate’s hard work fall to pieces. 

 

The flood swept everything downriver. Eric, despite also being underwater, seemed to be fixed to the spot. His soulmate lost to the waves. The dream went black in an instant. A mysterious force pulled the plug. 

~~

 

The sounds of rushing rapids replaced themselves with TV static.

 

Eric sat bolt upright. Señor Bun and Monsieur Cass rolled off the couch. Despair for his soulmate knotted in Eric’s stomach. Eric, nauseous, hurried to the bathroom. He managed to make it to the toilet before he got sick. 

 

He rinsed his mouth in the sink, spat back into the basin, flushed, washed his hands. Eric caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Pale green mixed with splotches of red, dark circles visible from outer space. He felt like a pistachio cream pie that hadn’t set, then got left out in the sun and he looked even worse. 

 

Eric checked under the sink for towels. No dice. They must all be in boxes. He pressed the cabinet shut and sank to his knees on the linoleum. He leaned his forehead onto the door. A million thoughts raced through his mind.

 

_ He must be in real danger. Everything he’s done till now? Gone, just like that. Was that French? I should probably wipe all this down before Mama asks what happened.  _

 

Eric pulled himself up, dried his hands on his shirt, then started scrubbing the muck away from the toilet with toilet paper. Once he finished, he washed his hands two more times, just to be safe. When he opened the bathroom door, Coach was standing in the kitchen.

 

“Oh!”

 

“You all good, Junior? You were in there a while.”

 

“Yessir, wasn’t feeling good for a bit. Better now.”

Coach turned. “Your shirt is soaked, Son.” 

 

“Oh, yeah… We forgot to leave a couple towels out down here.” Coach took a sip from a cup of coffee.

 

_ It’s not even light out yet, why is he even awake. _

 

“Must’ve packed ‘em away yesterday,” Coach nodded knowingly. 

 

“So, you’re up early,” Eric tried. 

 

“Five thirty is my usual for the school year.” Coach looked him up and down, “You sure you’re alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost– or three.” 

 

“I, uh, had a bit of a bad dream maybe.” 

 

“Soulmate problem?” Eric balked, unsure how to respond. This was uncharted Coach territory. 

“Nope. Think I’m just stressed about the move,” Eric lied. 

 

“Pretty normal, I’d say. You’re attached to your friends here. Nightmares can come from that stress.” Eric sighed. He should know by now that Eric’s few friends that weren’t his cousins had left him in the dust after the closet incident. 

 

“S’not every night you see Tonya Harding rattlin’ chains in your fireplace. Haven’t the foggiest why Ms. Matthews had us read ‘A Christmas Carol’ in May.” 

 

“I– What?” 

 

“It’s nothin’ Coach, just a joke. I’m gonna see if I have a dry shirt up in my room.” Eric huffed a laugh as he walked away. He wondered if they made a ‘World’s Least Relatable Dad’ mug.

 

“Madison’s only an hour drive Junior, you can still get some rest in the living room before we gotta go.” 

 

“Sure thing Coach.” Eric picked his stuffed beaver up off the floor, and took it up with him to his mostly empty room. He stripped off his wet shirt and held the beaver tight to his bare chest. 

 

“We can get through this sweetpea, I just know we can.” 

 

 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took much longer than expected! The end of the term hit me like a truck. Hopefully it was worth the wait.
> 
> Reminder that _x_ is a perspective change and ~~ indicates a dream sequence.

_Madison, GA, USA August 20, 2011_

 

~~

The river was frozen. There was no wind. No sound. Just the same cold gray-white expanse Eric had been stuck staring at every night for two years.

 

The beaver had hidden itself away in its lodge following the loss of the dam. Eric hadn’t seen him emerge at any point. Eric saw the animals he figured to be his soulmate’s parents come around every once and awhile, but the beaver seemed content to isolate itself. Eric wished his soulmate could move on. The storm had been devastating, of course, but at some point one had to start living again.

 

Eric felt a light breeze on his back. Which was odd, there hasn’t been change in the weather other than packed down snow and ice since the dam fell. The limbs of the leafless trees quivered, there really was wind.

 

The next thing he noticed was that a dark figure emerging from the lodge. Something was coming out. A break in the nothingness. The river wasn’t melting yet, but maybe his soulmate was finally starting to recover. Eric felt the pull of the waking world starting to call him away from the dream.

~~

 

The chill of winter was quickly replaced by Georgia heat. Eric pulled Monsieur Cass tight to his chest. “I’m glad you’re back sleepyhead.” Eric peeled away his sheets before he got sweaty. He was visiting the arena in Madison soon to meet with his new hockey coach.

 

He’d won junior regionals, but he didn’t have a shot in the dark at making nationals without finding new coaches, moving, and switching to being homeschooled on the road. The last part, he thought, he wouldn’t mind so much, but he couldn’t bear leaving his mama and moomaw behind. He was switching sports to stay on the ice, but it was going to be a big adjustment.

 

First, Madison high was a lot bigger than Watkinsville, it would be easier to blend in. His teachers were mostly nice. Even though he’d gone to school there for a year, he hadn’t made too many friends in Watkinsville.The two girls he’d met in Madison that convinced him to join the hockey team seemed like they would be a good start. Things were going to be okay. Hockey would make him more of a man. The football players that knew him through his dad said so. He could make the baking practical for team fundraisers. It was a good outlet. He could bake and not make it seem so gay. He just had to play it all cool. Nobody there knew the rainbows and leotards Dicky. They knew Eric, the football coach’s quiet kid.

 

He was stressing himself out trying to make his situation make sense. His hands were itching to bake. Eric rolled out of bed, careful to arrange his stuffed animals to their normal places.

 

“We’ve got a big day ahead of us,” he said to the toys, “but first we’ve got a bribery pie to make.”

  


_X_

 

_Samwell, MA, USA. August 25 2011_

 

Jack had just finished unpacking the last box in his new single dorm at Samwell. School was going to be good for him. His mom had recommended taking a break from thinking so much about hockey. While he was going to play for the hockey team here, he would have other things to think about too. He could have some fun with the classes, it wouldn’t feel quite as “do or die” as it had in the Q. He could take things at his own pace, play hockey, and meet new people in a slightly more comfortable environment. Jack wasn’t naïve though, he knew he would get his competitive streak back in a heartbeat. He also knew that alcohol and drugs would still be a fixture on a college campus. His new therapist on campus was intent on working to find ways to help him resist peer pressure. He also intended to establish with the hockey team on day one how much he had changed. Any friends he makes on the team would have to be accepting of his new, low-impact lifestyle.

 

Jack reclined on his single bed. He checked his schedule on his phone. All his classes were still there. None of them were dropped. The first all-team meeting of the season was still tonight. Email inbox was clean, important ones were pinned to the top of the list. Everything was in order. Jack was starting fresh with a whole new lease on life. He could have fun, but it had to fit into the structure. With his schedule open until the hockey team meeting that evening he decided he could afford a nap.

 

It had been a stressful day. His parents were still camping out in the off-campus hotel for another week. Jack knew they were still somewhat worried about leaving him alone again. They were justified, but he really didn’t want the team fawning over them. Jack decided to shelve his whirling thoughts for now and close his eyes…

 

~~

The field was bright and sunny today. Jack had noticed a while back that the field had changed into more of a hill since the huge nightmare about two years ago. This glade was more open, less tree cover, more grass here and there. _Lapin_ was doing his usual day-to-day sort of thing wandering amongst the flowers. Jack often got a sense of safety when he saw this field, but it was clear that _Lapin_ was still on edge.

 

This vantage point from the crest of the hill let Jack see in all directions. Aside from this clearing there was nothing but dense tree cover for miles around. Safe, but isolated. One could see danger coming from quite a distance. The tradeoff was that there was less cover. Jack looked back to _Lapin_ tentatively chewing on some clover. He looked like he would bolt at any second.

 

A tranquil breeze made the blades of grass ripple. The scent of flowers wafted by. _Lapin_ perked up, taking note of the wind, while he scanned the treeline another time. _Lapin_ settled back down and relaxed in a patch of flowers. The breeze died back down and the field disappeared.

~~

 

Jack awoke to the light buzzing of the alarm on his phone. His cheeks were warm, residual heat from the dream. He felt a lingering grin on his face. Visiting the glade still felt like a haven. It was part of what motivated him to continue with hockey. His soulmate had picked up the pieces so quickly after enduring whatever trauma had befallen him. Jack was inspired by _Lapin’s_ perseverance. Maybe he would finally get some icon of a rabbit to honor his connection. Kenny had wanted to get tattoos; thankfully Jack’s impulse control had been decent that day. He thought about getting something small like the plushie his mom always wanted to buy him.

His phone vibrated with the second alarm. Jack rolled off the mattress and changed into one of his new Samwell Men’s Hockey jackets. He was finally ready to start the next phase of his life.

 

_X_

 

 _Samwell, MA, USA_ . _August 23 2013_

~~

Eric’s soulmate was back to building towers. After the thaw, the beaver had wasted little time in his new quest to fell the forest. He was, however, with more friends than Eric had ever seen. Over the past year more and more animals had come to help. Eric took it as a sign of growth. His soulmate had learned that he wasn’t in it alone. He could trust others and work on whatever this task was before him. The sense of urgency had also diminished, but there was still some foreboding on the horizon. As if something would happen if he didn’t finish.

 

Eric was splashed by occasional mist as the logs hit the water. It was refreshing, compared to the years of frozen wastes. Another log, another splash. He watched the logs bob up and down rhythmically with the river’s current. Eric felt like he could fall asleep even though he already was.

~~

 

“Dicky, sweetie, wake up. We finally made it to Samwell.” Eric rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He looked out the window and noted the scenery. Picturesque red brick buildings with white window panes and shutters all around. It was just like all the pictures from the virtual tour.

 

“Oh, Mama, it’s beautiful!”

 

“It sure is! Your dorm is just around the corner here, there just wasn’t any parking nearby.”

 

“If I can’t tote some luggage I don’t think they’ll believe I’m a Division One athlete, Mama.” His mom chuckled lightly.

 

“Whatever you say, Dicky. Let’s get you moved in and maybe we’ll have time to hit the grocery. We can throw a few pies together for your team meeting right quick.”

 

“I’m not excited about whatever the community kitchen has in store for us, but if these hockey boys are anything like Coach’s boys they’ll love any calories we send their way.” His mom looked down at the mention of Coach.

 

“You know he wanted to come, Dicky.”

 

Eric exhaled, facing away from her. “Sure, mama.”

 

“He just has those two-a-day practices starting this week and they can’t be without the head coach for it, you know?”

 

“I know mama. Hopefully he can make it up for parents’ weekend. Or Dads’ weekend.” Eric unfastened his seatbelt and stepped out of the car. “Let’s get movin’, it’s sure to be a zoo in there and at the store.”

 

“Farmer’s market tactics, Dicky.”

 

“Southern charm set to eleven, Mama!” His mom gave him a slight wink. Eric could still navigate a crowd and walk with purpose, but something about the way his Mama did it made people open the way for them. He wondered if it would work on the Yankees up here. She popped the trunk and turned to give him a hug. Her eyes were watery already and they haven’t even taken a single thing to his room.

 

“You’re gonna dazzle ‘em Dicky. Show these Northerners how to play some hockey.” She squeezed tighter around him. “And remember to have some fun too, honey. The most important thing is that you’re happy here.” Eric felt a tear prickle the corner of his eye.

 

“I love you, Mama.” He said into her shoulder. “We gotta get everything moved before we start bawlin’ on each other though.” She relaxed her grip.

 

“I’ll try to save it for tomorrow morning after breakfast. No promises though.” She plucked his stuffed animals from the top of the stack of luggage. “Here’s to hopin’ you meet your special someone here too.” Eric flushed.

 

“Mama!” He groaned, snatching Monsieur Cass away from her.

 

“I’m just sayin’, it's in the numbers Dicky. Most people meet their soulmate in college.” Eric huffed in response, stashing the animals in a bag.

 

“Well, I don’t want all my neighbors’ thinkin’ I’m a little kid right off the bat.”

 

“Now that’s just silly! Everyone with eyes can see you’re a big strong hockey player!” She laughed again and Eric laughed with her.

 

“All right Mama, you’ve got all night to be mushy. We’re burnin’ daylight and we have pies to bake!” Eric started off towards the dorm, bags in hand.

 

Despite his protests, he desperately wanted to meet his soulmate just like she said. Samwell had a reputation for soulmates meeting there and it was incredibly LGBT inclusive. The hockey scholarship had sealed the deal, but this would have been his top choice anyway. Eric was ready to meet the real Monsieur Cass. He couldn’t wait to give him all the love he deserved.

_X_

 

_Samwell, MA, USA. October 22 2013._

 

~~

Sun dappled the field. A soft golden glow filtered through the trees. Despite the encroaching autumn, the clearing was warm and green. The trees were hanging low, laden with fruit begging to be harvested. _Lapin_ flitted about piling fallen fruit around the base of a stump. Plums, apples, grapes, and peaches were stacked neatly, as other animals emerged from the woods to partake of _Lapin’s_ bounty.

 

 _Lapin_ tensed as one final animal emerged from the trees. A stocky beaver.. Jack had never seen a beaver up close before, only from a distance at their cabin further up the St. Lawrence. The beaver wore a grim expression, yet _Lapin_ rolled over a peach in offering. The beaver looked over the group with a judgemental gaze. _Lapin_ was intimidated by the beaver’s glare, but he was intent to welcome him anyway. The beaver balked at the fruit and retreated into the woods. _Lapin_ looked downtrodden as he returned to the others.

 

 _What an asshole,_ Jack thought to himself.

 

Jack continued to observe the idyllic scene. He put the thoughts of the beaver behind him, allowing himself to take in the sights and smells of the forest feast.

~~

 

Jack woke from his pregame nap hazy. Slants of sunlight shone through the gaps in the Haus’s blinds.The scent of fresh fruit and cinnamon had traveled from his dream to reality. Bittle must be at it again. He had installed himself in the Haus kitchen from day one, as if he owned the place.

 

Bittle was probably here at the behest of Ransom and Holster. The team couldn’t seem to put away enough of Bittle’s pies. He’d quickly cemented himself into the team’s inner circle and was improving his hockey rapidly as well. Jack was somewhat envious of Bittle’s skill, especially considering he’d been playing hockey for less than five years.

 

Jack knew he had been harsh. He knew he wasn’t being a good captain during preseason. Shitty and Holster and Ransom had made sure he knew that. He just– never knew what to say to Bittle. Bittle’s sunny disposition was just so polar from Jack’s stoic approach.

 

Even his own father had told him off for criticizing Bittle. He should have apologized for that stupid ‘lucky shot’ comment on parents’ night. He felt bad immediately after. But he still hadn’t actually apologized. The checking clinics were a form of apology he supposed, even if Bittle complained every time. There were more chirps than complaints as the season had progressed, so that was good at least… Right?

 

Jack caught another whiff of cooking fruit as he descended the stairs. He turned the corner into the kitchen, where he found half the team crowded around the table demolishing Bittle’s latest creation.

 

“Jack, Jackabelle, Jackronimo,” Shitty said, mouth full. “You have to at least try one bite of this. Holy shit its so good.”

 

“You guys shouldn’t be having so much sugar right before a game,” he replied.

 

“All calories are good calories bro,” Holster said, also stuffing his face. Bittle opened the oven and baked apple fragrance washed over the room. Bittle sat the dish on a trivet.

 

_Since when do we have a trivet?_

 

He peeled back the foil, which released a puff of steam. “Okay y’all, last one of the day! Game day apple crisp, no crust, no refined sugars, for our health conscious curmudgeons.” Bittle tilted his head and winked in Jack’s direction. “Let it cool for two seconds, so y’all don’t burn your tongues. You need ‘em for chirping Dartmouth.”

 

Jack looked over the dish. Baked apples and oats looked to be the primary ingredients. He went to take a step back out of the kitchen, but someone was behind him. Johnson laid a hand on Jack’s shoulder.

 

“He made it with you in mind,” Johnson said. “Take some now so you can show that you’re warming to him, dude. It’s a metaphor for your relationship.” Jack turned back to ask Johnson what the hell he meant by that as Bittle stuck a serving spoon into the crisp and handed Jack a plate.

 

“It even has a bit of whey protein,” he said slyly. “One bite won’t kill you Jack. You might even enjoy it.”

 

Jack sighed and accepted defeat, allowing Bittle to serve him a small portion, then went to eat in the living room, as the kitchen was out of seats. Steam was still pouring off of the plate, Jack’s mouth watered from the smell. Apples and cinnamon for sure and maybe, maple? He took a spoonful and put it into his mouth. It was tongue searingly hot. Jack couldn’t taste anything.

 

 _“Marde!”_ he exclaimed, breathing the hot air out through his paper napkin. Bittle showed up and set a glass of milk on the end table.

 

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

 

“Euh. Thanks.” Jack replied, bringing the glass to his lips.

 

“Anytime, Jack,” Bittle said, walking back to the kitchen. “Just give it a minute and let me know what you really think.”

 

Jack sputtered into the glass, composure lost, grateful that Bittle couldn’t see that he had splashed it on himself.

 

_Marde…_

 

_X_

 

_Samwell, MA, USA. April 15 2014._

~~

The beaver’s river was calm. He was patching a hole that had somehow found its way into the wall of the dam. His friends were gathered by the side of the river, cheering him on. He had been too self centered in the past. He was learning to let others in.

 

A beautiful pale-rose glow enveloped the river with the sunrise. The beaver finished the patch and went to join his friends at the bank. Another– friend? A small rabbit appeared from a clearing, bearing a plethora of fruit and veggies to share.

 

The beaver gazed upon the rabbit and the impressive spread. Eric’s perspective changed. He seemed to be viewing things from directly behind the beaver.

 

The gold of the morning formed a corona outlining the rabbit. Eric felt a familiar warmth emanate from the halo.

 

_Oh–_

_That’s me, isn’t it?_

~~

 

Eric roused from the pleasant dream, feeling content. He found his stuffed animals and pulled them tight.

 

“Moomaw’s intuition huh?” he said to Señor Bun, as he looked intently at his little button eyes. Then the gravity of the dream hit him. “That means we’ve already met! Oh, Bun! Oh, Cass! But who could it be?” The stuffed animals, of course, said nothing in return.

 

“But I bring food to basically everyone! This doesn’t narrow it down at all!” Eric rolled over in his bed, squishing the stuffed animals together. “It does mean I met ‘em here though right?” The plushies still refused to provide any help. Eric sighed and released them from his arms.

 

Maybe it was someone on the team. Hopefully not one of the graduating seniors. Johnson would have said something by now. He knew pretty much everything. Shitty was already too far gone on Lardo. Ransom and Holster couldn’t _be_ more perfect for each other; same for Ollie and Wicky.

 

 _Maybe_...

 

It couldn’t be Jack. He still barely put up with Eric being on the team. He just put up with Eric because they were lineys now.

 

Eric stood from his bed slowly. It really could be anyone on campus. He’d given food to basically all his classmates at some point or another. Hopefully they were still at Samwell next year. Eric stretched carefully and moved to get dressed.

 

Despite injury and a round two exit the team was optimistic about the next season. A new goalie was coming in, they were adding depth to their D-line, and Jack seemed more determined than ever to be a good captain.

 

Eric’s only goal for the summer was to rest up and come back ready to train. His concussion was relatively minor. Taking it easy for a few months wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. His big fear now was the progress he had lost towards overcoming his fear of physicality.

 

Hopefully Jack would still have time to work with him next season. Over the course of the season he had gotten used to Jack’s presence. Waking up early to go to the rink, getting coffee after, parting ways for class, then meeting back at the house with everyone else. They even slotted together on the ice. Jack had resented it at first, but they had done some truly amazing work, especially towards the end of the season.

 

It was just that one play. Eric couldn’t help but dwell on it. He replayed it again and again, thinking of how he could have done it if he was just that much faster. Jack had apologized over and over for putting Eric in such a risky situation. It wasn’t really his fault. They both wanted to win that game, even if it required a gamble to do it.

 

Eric pulled on his clothes with resolve. Next season he would do better. He was going to do whatever it took to get them through to the finals. He just had to survive finals season first.

 

His phone buzzed on his nightstand. He had two messages:

 

 **Holster** : Grillin on tha lawn 2day Bits be there

 

 **Johnson** : Meet me at Annie’s on your way to class. I want to give you something… It will make your next year a lot smoother. Bro..

  


Johnson was cryptic as ever. Eric picked up his bag from where it was hanging on his chair, then pushed the stuffed animals together on top of the bedspread.

 

“Who could it be…”

 

_X_

  


_Samwell, MA, USA. May 3 2014._

 

Jack pulled on a flannel and his favorite running shoes. The team was waiting on him downstairs. They were heading out to Faber so their departing seniors could kiss the ice and be on their way to the next stage in their lives. Jack felt like he had sand in his shoes. It was weighing him down, rooting him to the floor of his room. His brain was telling him they all hated his guts. He didn’t want to go. There was going to be drinking and merriment and they would be better off without him there. He was sure the seniors already talked about him plenty, especially the ones that didn’t live in the Haus. They’d all be free to say what they really wanted if he wasn’t there.

 

He and Bittle had taken two of the top line spots that they should have had. They went along with his high-risk high-reward play style that focused on his strengths. It had gotten Bittle hurt and these seniors lost their chance at a title. Only one of them was going to a minor league team that he knew of. If he had worked out a more balanced strategy with the coaches, maybe one of them could have had a chance to go pro. He was a selfish hard-ass, only concerned with making his way back to where he had been. They had every right to hate him.

 

 _They voted me captain anyway,_ he told the voices in his head, trying to rationalize against his anxiety. He had already promised to do better at the team banquet. It wouldn’t help the seniors, but he hoped it would help the team. Hopefully the new arrivals would help bring their blue line the depth they needed. Jack liked feeling like he was good at something again. Though at the same time, he felt like he wanted his friends to do well more. Another of _Lapin’s_ lessons. Jack exhaled and leaned his forehead against the door. That grumpy beaver needed to get with it and join in the fun. Maybe his other pair of shoes would feel lighter.

 

There was a knock at his door. The vibration resonated through Jack’s body.

 

“Jack, you about ready to head over to Faber?” Bittle asked from the other side of the door. Jack was still frozen on his side. He let out another deep breath.

 

“I, uh, still need some time.”

 

“Oh, alright. Shitty said they’re going now. I suppose we can meet up with them there.”

 

“You don’t have to wait up for me Bittle.”

 

“Well, I’m just bringing a few things up to Johnson’s— or rather, my room. Stuff I don’t need to lug to Georgia and back. Take your time Jack, I’ll be right here.” Jack heard Bittle step away from the door. He sat on the floor beside the entrance and listened to Bittle shuffle a few things about. The old wood creaked as Bittle walked through the Haus. Jack pulled off one of his shoes and reached for his other pair.

 

They seemed to be too far away. His body didn’t want him to move over to get them. He was stuck, lethargic, listening to the sounds of Bittle made as he carried his stuff into his room for next year. The sound was mesmerizing. Jack felt his eyelids droop and he laid back against the door.

 

~~

 

 _Lapin_ was sitting on the same stump that had been recurring in Jack’s dreams of late. The one that was often piled with food and surrounded by friends. This evening however, the stump was clean and bare. _Lapin_ sat alone, but he sat to one side of the stump. Perhaps to leave room for someone else to sit?

 

Jack stared at _Lapin_ from across the clearing, _Lapin_ stared back. Jack tried to move towards the stump, but his view rapidly changed. Jack’s perspective rushed forward and he was staring _Lapin_ right in the face. The spot next to him was still open. Just as Jack moved to sit, a gust of cold air shook him from the field.

 

~~

 

“Jack, Are you alright!?” Bittle’s face was inches from his own as Jack came to. Jack jumped, startled, as his brain caught up to what he was seeing. “Oh, thank goodness, you’re awake.” Bittle continued.

 

“I– what?” Jack said, grasping for words. “Why are you in here?”

 

“Well, I got a little worried when you didn’t respond to me calling for you, but I couldn’t open your door, since you were apparently asleep, blocking it.” Eric sat on the floor next to Jack. “I came in through the bathroom, since Shitty left his door open.”

 

“Oh, well, I’m awake now. Guess the end of the term hit me harder than expected. We can probably go over to Faber now.” Jack said, putting his shoe back on.

 

“Yeah, let’s.” Eric replied, helping Jack to his feet. “Oh, I left my phone in the other room.” Eric said, as Jack opened his door.

 

Jack peeked into Bittle’s new room while he retrieved his phone. Jack caught a glimpse of a stuffed rabbit, its head dangled out of Bittle’s messenger bag. What a strange coincidence, Jack thought, that Bittle had a rabbit soulmate too.

 

“Soulmate figure, Bittle?” he inquired.

 

“Ah!” Bittle gasped, tucking the stuffed rabbit head deeper into the bag. “Bun’s not my real soulmate animal. It’s just one my Moomaw got for me right when I was born.” he continued, “This is my soulmate animal.” He said pulling up a very fluffy looking beaver plushie. “Don’t tell anybody I still carry these, please Jack, I don’t wanna seem like a kid y’know?”

 

“It’s our secret, Bittle,” he replied, “ I only brought it up because mine is a rabbit, just thought it was a neat coincidence that ours were the same.”

Jack tried to read Bittle’s expression, it was a mix of fading embarrassment and deep thought.

  


_X_

_Samwell, MA, USA. May 3 2014._

 

The gears in Eric’s head spun trying to process what Jack had just said. His soulmate was a rabbit. The exact thing that Eric’s dreams had recently told him he was— he thought. He was pretty sure. He finished tucking his stuffed animals back in his bag and set it on the floor of his room. It certainly wouldn’t do to speculate that he and Jack were soulmates right now. He didn’t even know if Jack liked guys .

 

“It would have been a funny coincidence, Jack,” Eric finally managed to say. “ I’ve got my phone, we can go now,” he finished, trying to draw the topic away from soulmates so he wouldn’t say anything he may regret.  

 

They headed downstairs and out of the Haus to meet the others. The street was quiet as they walked. “I’m glad you decided to come, Jack,” Eric said breaking the silence . “The seniors will appreciate seeing you there.

 

“Bittle. Those guys barely tolerated me as captain. They don’t want me there telling them they shouldn’t drink so much their last time.”

 

“Jack Laurent Zimmermann!” Eric said, aghast. “Not one of those seniors, nor anyone else on this team is _tolerating_ you!” He bumped his shoulder into Jack’s to make sure he was paying attention. “We all love playing with you Jack. We all respect your leadership. Do you think people vote unanimously to _tolerate_ someone?”

 

“But I put myself first. You got hurt because of my choices.”

 

“Jack, honey. We play a very physical sport. Sure, I’d probably be a bit better off if I wasn’t hurt, but the team is willing to take risks like that _because_ we trust you.” Eric finished his argument, punctuating with a hand over Jack’s wrist.

 

“Thanks, Bittle,” Jack said, and gave him a genuine smile. It was a beautiful thing.

 

The pair made it to Faber, one heart-to-heart closer than before. By the end of the night they ended up on the roof with their friends. Johnson had started a final game of truth or dare as they sat huddled in a circle together.

 

“The one to end them all,” Johnson said. “ It’s important to know things about your friends.” The bottle had made several passes about the circle, but somehow Eric had avoided getting caught in all of them so far. The bottle came back to Holster,

 

“Bitty, truth or dare?”

 

“Dare, but please be nice, I’m not risking any antics up here.”

 

“I dare you to tell us about something you saw in a soulmate dream.” Holster said, eyebrows raised. He swore he could see Johnson wink at him from across the circle. Time to go for broke, he supposed. Eric shot back the rest of his drink and began.

 

“My last big one showed me what animal I am. I’m a rabbit apparently. I think it showed me myself because I’ve met him already.” There was a chorus of whoops and ‘get some Bits’ around the circle, but Eric was only watching Jack’s face. He was thinking about the implications, that’s for sure.

 

The game eventually ended and most of the team returned to their rooms. The rest huddled around a small campfire they’d built. Jack had gradually moved next to Eric. They were sharing his flannel as a blanket. Eric was still freezing, but he didn’t want to leave yet. He pulled closer into Jack’s side for warmth. Eric could feel himself dozing off despite the cold.

 

~~

The river bank was slightly different than usual. Part of the forest had cleared to make way for a flowery field.  Eric finally spotted the beaver curled up on a stump with Eric’s rabbit. That was all the proof Eric needed.

~~

 

Eric jerked back awake and turned to Jack. Jack was also snoozing. Eric bumped him to wake him.

 

“Were you just dreaming of a rabbit and a beaver sleeping next to each other?” Eric asked.

 

“Huh? How did you—” Jack replied, then realization dawned and his eyes widened as he shook off the sleep.

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

“Absolutely.” Jack leaned in to meet Eric in the middle. Their lips met, and the feeling was electric. They pulled apart and Jack was grinning back at him. “Not bad, eh?” Eric giggled and moved back towards Jack.

 

“I haven’t decided yet, I think we should try again to be sure.” Eric kissed his soulmate again, shivering from excitement and the night air. He could get used to this. Someone whistled from across the other side of the fire.

 

“My dear Ransom, I do believe I spy a finable offense just across the way.” Eric backed up, blushing. Jack just rolled his eyes as they continued their schtick.

 

“Why yes, Holster, it does seem that is the case! I think this may mean the sin bin will be quite heavy next year.”

 

“Congrats bros, bin’s on the fridge for when you get back to the Haus.” Jack pulled a bill out of his wallet, wadded it up and threw it at Holster, then pulled Eric in again for more. When they stopped to breathe Jack whispered into his ear.

 

“I can’t wait to dream together for the rest of our lives _Lapin._ ” Eric relaxed into Jack’s embrace.

 

“There’s nothin’ I’d want more, sweet pea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. A big giant thanks to Ari and Dale for Beta and moral support on this journey. Find me on Tumblr @bigspicysenpai!

**Author's Note:**

> Translations 
> 
> Sois mieux. : Be Better.
> 
> Ce n’est pas correct. : This isn’t right.
> 
> Je n’aime pas cette sensation... : I don’t like this feeling...
> 
> Est-ce que je vais mourir? : Am I going to die?
> 
> Maman, Papa, Lapin… Je suis désolé.: Mom, Dad, Bunny… I’m sorry.  
> \-----------
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope to have part two up in the coming weeks. I needed to post this to motivate myself to finish. I assure you readers that everything is outlined, so its just a matter of finding time to arrange it. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @bigspicysenpai where I post about hockey boys, both real and fictional.


End file.
